Readers' Penis Problems

Penis and Male Sexuality Questions From Readers

Q: I wanted to know whether I run the risk of HIV infection by cunnilingus or if the dripping vulva comes in contact with any part of my body without there being any penetration by my penis?

A: To my knowledge, there has never been a reported case of HIV in which the only exposure during sex that the infected person reported was performance of cunnilingus on a woman known or suspected to have HIV. That's fairly reassuring in itself. We also have firm data on the rarity of other STDs transmitted by that route. For example, in heterosexual men with gonorrhea who perform oral sex on their partners, we almost never see a positive gonorrhea throat culture. In other words, they acquire urethral (penile) gonorrhea but virtually never get oral gonorrhea despite cunnilingus on a known-infected partner. Since gonorrhea is many times more easily to transmit than HIV, these data are pretty strong evidence against HIV transmission. (By contrast, when a person has performed fellatio on a man with gonorrhea, throat infection is quite common. So it isn't oral sex in general that is low risk, but cunnilingus in particular.)

Question: I'm in a long term sexual relationship with my girlfriend and have been going out for about 6 months. We want to have sex but have been unsuccessful. We feel ready to have sex. But when we tried to have sex it was very painful for her so we thought we would wait again for a better time and try again. Then last week I visited her again and we tried again. But this time it didn't feel like my penis was going anywhere and when we pushed harder my penis would still not go in and I began to lose my erection. The erections I had a few days before that when I first arrived were very hard and strong but it seemed now that they weren't. I had not ejaculated since I arrived. I'm not so sure why this is. Could some kind of over stimulation to my penis cause it? We talked together about this problem and we thought maybe anxiety was a big part of it. Anxiety over having sex with her and being afraid that it wouldn't work again; especially since we don't get to see each other that often. It just doesn't seem like my penis could fit inside her vagina. It takes a bit of force to insert two fingers inside her and it would take a lot more to put my penis inside her (it would maybe like putting 3 fingers in her). I just don't see how my erection could stay strong and straight with that much force to penetrate her. My penis would bend or my erection would go away, surely? What do we do? How wide on average is a penis for my age (19) ? How wide on average is a vagina for my girlfriend's age (19)? Why is sexual intercourse so hard for us to do? Does the vagina need to stretch that much? Should it take a lot of force to insert my penis inside her? What about the hymen? Does it need to break? Does it take a lot of force to break a hymen with a penis? How much does this hurt and bleed? What is it like? Is it that once we put enough force it will 'pop' and be easier afterwards? Please help! This right now seems like such a forceful act and not as enjoyable and loving as we want it to be. We really want sexual intercourse to work the next time we see each other. What can we do to prepare? Is all of this normal? Is there a certain sexual position we could try to make all of this easier? Should we use vaginal lubrication? I am afraid something is wrong with me or my penis and that is why we can't enjoy normal sexual intercourse. I can't believe everyone goes through this on their first time, so why are we having so much trouble? It's only sex, after all! I am also worried that all this anxiety and stress is affecting my erection. What do I do? How hard is a normal erection? I would think my erection is almost 6 inches long and maybe about 2 inches across in diameter. Is this normal? If you have any information or advice, any at all, please let me know. I am willing to do anything to make this work. We don't want to be in the same situation again as we don't get to see each other often.

Answer: Thank you so much for writing and explaining the position so clearly. I can see that these experiences must have been worrying for you, especially if you were looking forward to enjoying intimate loving exciting sex with your girl. The good news is that everything you describe can be dealt with, though it may take a bit of time and practice - but that will make you a much better lover, and give you and your girl great intimacy as you work through this together. About your penis - well, it isn't likely to be too big. An average penis is about 6 inches long, though 5 is not unusual, and 4 is common enough. Longer penises are not that common, and you get very few over 7 inches long. The average circumference or girth (that's the distance around the outside) is about 5 inches, though a lot of penises are 4 inches around. That means the width will be about 1.5 to 2 inches.

As for the intercourse and penetration, it sounds like either your girl has a thick hymen which hasn't broken, or she is tightening up through anxiety when you get near having sex. I think that anxiety is more likely, though you might want to go along to the doctor to check out her hymen - very rarely a hymen may be so thick it needs a bit of attention from a doctor to break it. But I do think this is probably anxiety related. Anxiety may affect the tightness of your girlfriend's vagina and hence your ability to get your penis inside her.

Question: Do erections indicate your sexual orientation?

Answer: I think the answer is not as clear as you might imagine. It depends on the circumstances and what you find erotic. A man can appreciate the penis and the male body as a fine piece of erotic stimulation without being homosexual. In general the best guide to your sexual orientation is the sexual fantasies you enjoy: if you exclusively fantasize about men, then you might be gay. If you fantasize some of the time about women, then you are probably not. I would just add that you may well be naturally interested in your own sex, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Question: I am 27 years old and going to be married in 1 month. Both my wife to be and I are virgins. Please tell me the proper way of foreplay and having sexual intercourse with my wife first time. I have heard that a man may face a problem in inserting his penis due to tight vagina. What I do? Also tell me about her hymen. How does my penis break it? Is it better I break it with my finger or penis? Tell me about my penis erection as well as how I get better timing for ejaculation?

Answer: Many congratulations on your marriage! How exciting for you - and how frightening as well......you want to get and give pleasure from sexual intercourse, and you want to be sure your penis is working as well as it can, and you want to make it good for your wife. How wonderful and considerate of you to think of her in this way.

Question: Hello, I have a question about erection issues with my wife on top. I am 47 and my penis erection doesn't stay hard like it used to. When my wife is on top, I lose my erection. This is bothering me very much as I really want to please her. Do you have any advice about why I lose my erection when she's on top? I have always been good with this but a couple of years ago I got married. My father passed away and there has been a lot of stress. I started smoking and I am sure that doesn't help. My wife makes me feel a little pressured to reach orgasm with her on top. I worry that I am not satisfying her and it is not good enough. Plus I think that mentally it is hard for me to be the man she wants me to be in bed. She is beautiful and sexy but I haven't been able to sustain an erection for very long for the last couple of years. She's ;looking for or at other men on internet sites. I have tried pills and some work but I don't seem to be ready when she wants sex which is another stress. I find her exciting, so she's not turning me off. I was bitten by a bug on honeymoon and had an allergy attack. Is it possible for this kind of stuff to change your erection capacity? I have been suspicious of this for a while.